


Laughing Eyes

by kayeslin



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 06:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7745938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayeslin/pseuds/kayeslin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Westeros remembers Ashara Dayne as beautiful. It remembers her life as charmed, and her death as sad. </p>
<p>Ashara Dayne never stopped to think how she would have liked to be remembered, but if she had she wouldn't have chosen "beautiful, charmed, and sad."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laughing Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> A character study about Ashara Dayne, her mental health (and illness), and eventual suicide.

If they had existed, Ashara Dayne would have been sent to a therapist when she was a child.

For laughing louder than any soldier in the barracks and crying harder than any babe in the nursery. For staring into space unable to force her face into an expression on some days, unable to understand simple words and concepts others, and then suddenly acting pleasant and personable and unimaginably witty on other days still.

As it was she was just called a whimsical child, too emotional and in dire need of growing up and controlling her emotions.

-

If there had been a word for it, Ashara would have been called manic depressive.

For the way she could run for hours, dancing and riding and singing. So much energy and playfulness she seemed to shine like the sun and burn whoever would try to tame her. And then for the next day, when she would lock herself in her room, without energy to eat or talk or even look anyone in the eye.

As it was they called her a spirited girl, fiercely independent, a handful.

-

If she had the chance to know that sometimes our minds get as sick as our bodies, Ashara might have learned her limits for social interaction.

Might have learned to catch her intrusive thoughts.

Might have taken medicine to help control the brain that seemed to want to punish her at every turn.

Like when it only let her be happy when she was Elia or Arthur or sweet Ned Stark, only to torture her with thoughts that _Elia is trapped in a loveless marriage with a madman for a goodfather yet her smile never wavers how does her smile never waver and mine can never stay she’s so strong and I’m so weakweakweak_.

Or the realization that _Arthur has chosen a new family over ours it’s because he hates me he wanted a brother like Rhaegar not a sister like me he never loved me no one loves me I’m alonealonealone_.

And the constant pressure of _Eddard is so wonderful to me but he doesn’t know me he can’t know me I’ll destroy this like I destroy everything I’m a wreckwreckwreck_.

As it was, she suffered in silence and would destroy her budding romantic love before it fell apart on its own and isolated herself from Elia and Arthur before they began to resent her presence, as she was so sure they would.

-

If she’d known she was sick, Ashara would have been wary of anything that gave the illusion of a magical cure-all.

She’d have known that being pregnant wouldn’t fix her. That finding herself at the highest of highs wasn’t truly improvement for a low was coming. A low always came. She might have a creature who would love her eternally, who would never turn its back on her, but that creature was a baby and a baby was as real as any friend, none of whom she ever understood because they’re minds worked so differently than hers. She wouldn’t mature overnight into the woman her mother was, kind and loving to a fault and always in control _controlcontrol_.

As it was, when her baby was born and she didn’t suddenly feel like the world told her to feel, Ashara realized she would always be broken.

-

If there were a word for it, they would have said Ashara had post-partum depression.

For how she couldn’t stand the sight of her baby, no longer attached to her and no longer hers now it was the world’s and the world had never been kind to her. She wasn’t worthy of the baby’s love any more than she was of its father’s _father’sfather’s who was the baby’s father how could she not know what kind of monster_.

As it was, her mother claimed Ashara’s baby as her own. And it reaffirmed all of Ashara’s fears that she was worthless _worthless_ and hopeless _hopeless_ and nothing good could ever happen to her because she ruined it always a _ruiner_.

-

If someone was aware of how her mind worked, it would have been called a spiral.

And when the father of her baby died. And her best friend died. And her brother died _killed by the man she loved the man she spurned the man who married someone else because no one could love Ashara she was lovelesslovelesslovless_.

If someone had eyes, they would have called it a trigger.

Instead, the world called her a beautiful tragedy.


End file.
